Rock God John Tesh To The Rescue

I'm not sure how things work at your building, but the bathroom here has been a source of discomfort for me since I started working. Momentarily ignoring the etiquette ignorance, terrible sounds, and vomit inducing, exposed genitals conversation that one must persevere through daily, I've now found out that my co-workers are shitting all over me. Literally.

I took a time-out from my normal perusal of John Tesh's Marriage/Relationship section of his website and ventured out into the unknown Tesh today for some reason. I guess I figured that if he's been this good to my love life he probably has something to offer elsewhere. What I found under the Health & Well-being section was troublesome, to say the least. In this section I stumbled across an article with some simple advice - close the toilet seat lid before you flush. This is a sure-fire way to avoid getting poops and pees in your hair, ears, eyes, and mouth. Except there's one problem: I often encounter toilet seats without lids. In fact, at work there are none that have them.

The amount of ejecta produced by one simple flush is compared to "Baghdad at night during a U.S. air attack" by apparently anti-shitmouth and anti-American Dr. Charles Gerba. I'm assuming he's not referring to the starlit nights where Baghdadian couples walk hand-in-hand along the sand swept roads of Baghdad, or to the fireworks that go off every night to celebrate the freedom the U.S. has procured, but to the highly controversial U.S. method of bombing our opposition nightly with thousands of turds fresh from our soldiers butts. Either way, he's referring to a lot of shit in the air.

So once again John Tesh's answer has left me with more questions. Do I bring my own toilet seat to the bathroom? Do I flush and run? Maybe a NASCAR helmet? I don't know, it's something I need to consider. Until I successfully lobby for mandatory toilet seats in all bathrooms, or come up with an alternative solution, I guess I will just have to continue to get shit on by my co-workers.

I Feel Bad About The Housing Ones...But Not Bad Enough

37 responses and counting. 12 people are willing to move in without seeing the place, or meeting "Anal Grease Robbie."

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There are a lot of homeless, or soon-to-be homeless people with internet connections. Only in America!

Ok. Now I'm Ready.

Click on the will to make it bigger...


Cont'd....

If a body meet a body, coming through the rye...

I found out today that I too am a Holden Caulfield of sorts. I was reading something in the American Literary classic "Jonesy: Keep Your Head Down and Skate" that reminded me of a book I read in college, and subsequently, whether consciously or not, decided to adopt as my modus vivendi.

In "Jonesy," professional ice hockey player Keith Jones describes, in great depth, how he's managed to collect 24 of 26 signatures on a cherished picture he owns. When one of the players who's signature he still needs gets traded to his team he obviously asks him to sign it. The look on this 25th person's face alone, in that moment, is enough for Keith Jones to blurt out "Why don't you just keep it."

The book this reminded me of was a dime-novel called "Ragged Dick" by Horatio Alger in which a poor boot shine works hard all day, and then spends what he earned on his needs, but more importantly, all his friends' needs and wants. He provides his hungry friends with food, his "thirsty" friends with booze, and so on. It doesn't bother him that some don't work, and that he wakes up every morning without a penny to his name - he just gets up and does it again. That's basically the story.

Or so I thought....

I learned a practical life-lesson today: When you only read the first chapter of a 17 chapter book you don't always get the entire story. Don't worry, I got a "B" in the class, but in college I was more about seeing how well I could do without trying at all, as opposed to how well I could do generally speaking. Well, ladies and gentleman, Dick ends up getting a job with JD Rockefeller of all people. He becomes a suit and leaves his old friends behind!

I know a lot of these novels were designed to foster the American Dream (and especially reprinted in the late to mid twenties specifically to build the American worker's psyche) but my American Dream is different. It's not about washing machines and Friday night dances, it's not about working hard and getting more money, it's about being decent to everyone around you and looking out for each other, and hoping, but more so knowing, that if you're just a good person things will work out.

Can't write anymore today, the shoe shine guy is coming around the office. If I miss him again they'll be calling me Ragged Dick!

Edward Cockpit

I've submitted this resume to HR 14 times. No responses...yet.
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Crime Dog

Combination of too much coffee and too few pivot tables that needed to be run:

Here are just a few of the responses:

A bunch of these that seemed earnest enough...

1)
Hi.I live in Brooklyn.I could takehim asap.I would just need a picture or something so I could tell about how big he is. There aren't any childfren here and wewould get alot of love. ThanksJJT

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There were also quite a few that seemed to get it was a joke - but were still interested.

2)
Is he trained?
Btw..I love your sense of humor lol.. I'm sitting at work laughing still..
I'm in SI/NJ and I have a golden mix..does max get along well with other doggies?

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There were A LOT of these, that almost made me feel bad for a second.

3)
Hello,I am very sorry you feel you have to give up your dog. Have you worked with a trainer? How old is your son? Often, these things can be resolved with a bit of work and time.If you have already done everything you can, please do not give him away for free. Ask for an adoption fee that is large enough to discourage people who take free animals to sell to research labs or as bait for dog fighters. I would ask at least$50 and $100 would be better - you can always donate the money to a shelter or rescue if you don't feel right about taking money for him. Doing a home visit is also a good idea so you know he isn't going to end up in a chain in someone'sback yard.Speaking of rescues, have you tried contacting a rescue who might be willing to take him? A rescue will neuter him if he is not already neutered and make surehe goes to an appropriate home. I am sorry you are going through this and wish you and Max well.Faith

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This was the only pure counseling e-mail recevied.

4)
Maybe you can work on Trever and Max gettign along? and get the wife to help with that too? just my two cents. Cathy

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Not sure why this guy thought my son was trying to bite the dog...zing! Also, didn't really appreciate how he demanded to see my fake dog.

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5)
How old is your son? Has he tried to bite him? Let me see the dog .--John
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Oh well now I HAVE to give him to you....

6)
Hi is he good with kids Id like to have him he sounds Just right! I HAVE A DISABLED SON THAT WOULD LOVE HIM....
April In upper Manhattan 212 926 .....

Polar Bear Club

I hung this up in our elevator the other day. Why, I'm not sure.